apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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