I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
