is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
