Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
