Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
