I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
