meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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