Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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