I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
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it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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