I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
