Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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