I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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