I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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