I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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