I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
