Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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