Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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