White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
