When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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