That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
