I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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