I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
