I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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