Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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