Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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