So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just forgot I was standing up.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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