fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
