if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
