I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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