I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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