I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
