a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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