Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
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My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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