I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship