did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
