If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
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Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
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Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.