Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She said her name was "party"
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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