He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
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Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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