Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
