Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
