You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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