so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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