Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
