saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
