My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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