My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
