I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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