Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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