and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
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Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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