What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
