ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
