Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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