3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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