The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
