i think my mom watched the whole time
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
