I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
whose ass print is on the piano?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
