dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just cropdusted the office
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
