no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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