My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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