You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
