new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
