a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
