just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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